


love like an ache in the jaw

by lesthowells



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 17:37:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14337621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesthowells/pseuds/lesthowells
Summary: He wants Dan to know his thoughts, to know his feelings even if it was a bit silly and unprompted. Maybe it wasn't, it felt right.





	love like an ache in the jaw

There’s a calm quiet in the atmosphere between them and in their apartment, it's a rare afternoon where they hadn’t had any meetings or other engagements. They had the rest of the day to themselves, true free time that had become so rare in the lead up to the tour starting. The tour. It was so close now, the nerves had already begun to settle and spread. Phil could feel some of it dancing in his chest, it prompts slight increase in his heart beat. He was excited too, but nervous for a multitude of reasons. Or maybe it was just the anticipation, the waiting game was one he wasn't particularly good at dealing with. Phil finds it a kind of relief to be so busy, the more time spent working and planning the less he was able to feel nervous. 

Going back to Manchester had been strangely emotional affair for him and he supposes for Dan too, it's not the seeing the city itself that was his old home, he and Dan have gone back to Manchester multiple times in recent years. But this trip had been very different, it felt different as soon as they had stepped off the train and onto the platform. Manchester was just the same as ever but going back to visit their old apartment, standing by the water fountains outside Phil felt the years slowly strip away until he was back in the past again; then walking around the town centre following their old route had set off a string of emotions, so strong he had not prepared for. Phil found it hard to believe he was walking the same steps down the same street he had done six years ago, the buildings around them hadn’t changed but everything felt difference. Everything was different. He and Dan were not the same people they had been, in a way he is grateful for the reminder. So much has changed for them, together and individually and he is so thankful to be able to say it is for the better. 

It had been a bittersweet trip, the feelings were lingering still days later. 

Phil looks over at Dan next to him, leaning back into the sofa with his legs stretched out and resting on the foot-stall in front of him. His gaze is focused on the phone screen, his expression relaxed. There is nothing particularly extravagant or out of the ordinary about this image of Dan and yet Phil is overwhelmed by the sudden feeling affection that he feels the stab of it in his chest. Dan is always beautiful to him, in every waking second of every day they spend together. Even when Dan is ill or in the depths of another hole, hollowed eyes and grey skin- he is beautiful because Phil loves him so deeply it eclipses all else. He loves Dan entirely, from the curls on his head to the very tips of his toes, he loves every atom that he is made of and even deeper. 

There are moments where Dan's beauty it is obvious, pictures taken for Instagram or at film premieres- it’s so blindingly noticeable but none of those moments can compare to right now. It catches Phil off guard moments like this, where Dan is just Dan as he sees him every day, but somehow its more powerful than any professional camera or iPhone filter could ever manage, Phil does not think there is any camera in the world that could do the real Dan, his Dan justice. He doesn’t want there to be either, the Dan he sees his only ever going to be for his eyes, his heart. They were on the brink of five months of intense change, there was no way of denying that the after this tour was done, things were going to be different again- they were going to be different. The thought doesn't scare or worry him, he thinks of all the things he wants to do this year and the next and on and on into the future. He cannot see it all clearly, there is no way of being able to do that but what he does know is that in all of them Dan is ever present, he is the one unchanging centre point of his existence. 

Dan looks up from his phone then and smiles immediately when their eyes meet and Phil wonders if it was possible to feel all the emotions he is feeling right now all at once. Is it possible to fall in love all over again, he’s forgotten how many times now. Maybe it wasn’t the art of falling but a reminder, it crashes into him like freight train. 

“You’re thinking about stuff.” Dan says, his voice light and slightly jovial, he sets his phone down on the arm of the sofa and turns to face Phil properly.

Phil returns the smile because how can he not. "I guess I am."

Curiosity sparks in Dan's eyes, wide and bright with life. “Are you gonna tell me?”

Phil smiles again but he doesn’t really want to answer the question or how to, there were a lot of things In his mind, a lot of things he could say. Some of it doesn't need saying, but it doesn't stop him wanting to say it anyway. Phil guesses he stays silent for too long because Dan shakes his head gently.

“You know I’m just going to keep bugging you until you speak to me, I won't relent!” He says and jabs a finger against Phil’s rib which makes him jump and giggle. Dan tries to poke him again but Phil dodges and grabs Dan’s hand and locks their fingers together. The warmth from Dan's palms spreads through his fingers, up his arm and into his heart. 

“It’s ten years next year," Phil starts to say, his gaze meeting Dan's once more.  "Ten years since we met.” He’s not sure why he is stating that, it wasn’t even in the fore front of his mind. 

Dan rolls his eyes fondly. “I know Phil, we talked about this yesterday. Are you trying to remind me of how old I’m getting?”

Phil shakes his head, he really wasn't. The jokes don't feel quite right, not right now. He wants Dan to know his thoughts, to know his feelings even if it was a bit silly and unprompted. Maybe it wasn't, it felt right. He pulls on Dan's wrists until he crawls forward into Phil's chest, arms encircling Dan's shoulders, hearing him sigh softly, settling despite their awkward position on the sofa.

“What’s on your mind Phil?” Dan asks gently, Phil feels his fingers tracing circles on his forearm, it sends a small shiver down his spine.

“I dunno. I guess I’m just feeling reflective. I’m just thinking about us and our life.” Phil replies after a few moments, he can feel the rise and fall of Dan’s chest against his own. It's calming as always, being close to Dan like this always helped to settle his nerves. He realised that all those years ago, on the day they first met. His nerves had been so intense, so overwhelming. Every touch, regardless of how bold or gentle was an antidote to Phil's nerves, the feelings he had knew were already the start had bloomed and grown outward since that first day all those years ago. The roots of his affection are imbedded in him now, it was love like he had never known before or since, it's with him at every passing second of every day.

“I hope it’s good thoughts.” Dan says softly, he means to sound jokey, but Phil can immediately detect the worry underneath and holds Dan tighter. He does not want Dan to be concerned, especially when there was no need to be. Not now and not ever, not about that.

“Of course, they’re good thoughts. They’re only ever good thoughts Dan, you must know that.” 

Dan lifts his head a little to meet Phil's eyes, the depth of them sends somersaults in Phil's chest. “Okay," Dan whispers, the gentlest of smiles curling from his mouth. "For a moment I thought you were gonna tell me you were leaving to run off with a swimwear model or something.”

Phil knows Dan is joking but he recognises the same slightly anxious tone underneath and it sends an ache ripping through Phil’s heart. He knew that the insecurity ran deep inside of Dan, his worries and doubts all tied up and linked together that they triggered each other sometimes. He hated that there was still a small part of Dan that thought he would leave him, nothing seemed more impossible to Phil.

"Never, you're the best thing in my life Dan. I want you to know that." 

Dan's expression softens. "Phil- what's brought this on?"

He wants to laugh, partly because he feels he is being too emotional and partly because he feels happy. "Can't I just be sappy today?" 

Dan shakes his head. "You dork." His whispers but then swoops in, brushing his lips against Phil's so gently he can barely feel it but ignites the already burning spark within him and the warmth spreads further.

Phil doesn't want to think of a reason, there doesn't need to be one. No matter what is to come in the future, he has all he needs to carry him through anything. The realisation makes him feel a lightheaded, the future is there for the taking, whenever they were ready.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, 
> 
> come say hello @lesthowells on tumblr


End file.
